After 10 years deep depression, I am still alive

After 10 years deep depression, I am still alive


hello everyone ,this is Janet ! today I
want to say something about my depression problems long time ago I want to talk about this but I always have hesitation .everything I
want to be perfect ,so you know in camera in front of camera , so I feel shame to talk about this ,but I know , inside the heart I want to say and I
want to help people who are suffering the same problems .about perfect , like
this camera I am using beauty cam camera which makes me feel better
which makes me look better and I can show me with confidence .now let’s talk
about the symptoms of depression. depression is like a cancer, it is very
serious so why this is serious, what will happen
in this period ? in my memory of my first period that I can’t talk I can’t talk
for one year! my mother language is Chinese I can’t talk for one year , can’t talk
dialect which means I can not open mouth , it stucks! the reason makes me can’t talk is, every time I want to expressing myself , the words when I speak out ,,other people’s reaction giving me a “No” when I say something they always show me they are angry or ignored, ignoring me so this make me feel , my words are
useless, so I start to keep silent . day by day I just can’t talk because my mind
have a system saying that I don’t need to talk ,I am an useless person in this world , this makes me can’t talk. the second symptom is can’t fall
asleep ,the longest record for my unsleeping time is nine days, nine
days is near 220 hours that I didn’t fall asleep! every second I’m thinking
thinking can’t stop ! opening my eyes! nine days , I was going everywhere I
transferred moved to every city, I have no place to stay I want to go to Tibet to find hopes it’s just suffering the third symptom is I can’t get up
I’m afraid of sitting, of lying down , of sleeping of getting up, I’m afraid of everything
and panic here every day! every second my body is soft ,
I can’t take care of myself to go clean teeth, wash face, to go bathroom, I am just scared scared, I’m just scared of being existed , I don’t want to live, I want to die, I want to suicide I don’t want suicide, but my heart tell
me I can’t survive I can’t live ! you may ask and curious what exactly I’m
afraid of ? so I have same question why is exactly I’m afraid? it looks like some demons on my body I’m so lucky that the year 2019, I found a way of connecting myself to God before I don’t have religion , you know
Chinese are free ! they don’t have religion belief. don’t think that there are many Buddhism and statues so, which means we believe Buddhism , no,
statue is statue, when Chinese go traveling ,they come to Temple, they do
they pray in front of Buddha that’s not belief, since I don’t have
religion so I did a lot explore On internet ,I want to find out solution.
I see that many religions said some people get recovered , like Jesus Christ
Christian Buddhist I did a lot search and read a lot of books about religions
so I decided to join Christian, I went to a church
I told priest I want to join but they said I must take care of myself
first , and later donate myself ,yes I want to donate myself after reading
books, the book said we should be mercy be forgivable
we should know love ,many things ! these things make me more confused and and
it didn’t help me to get out of depression , I’m so happy that I can find
out the only way of connecting god is ourselves , our heart ! it’s the only way!
it’s never been religion ! no religion ! not religion! when we try to talk with God , everything
can be clear everything can be clear, so after talking
with God I realized that my depression the reasons are from the people, human
beings ! the people who surrounding me these people are killers, because no one wants to die ,no one wants suicide in religion books, they will ask us be mercy be “no selfish”, be nice to people, forgive
people ! but after I talked to god I know exactly what I have got, I get
hurt and no one protects me and I was still in depression and I still feel guilty
and shame for everything that I haven’t done, I haven’t rubbed..
I haven’t killed people I’m always nice to people so why I still have this? I know
exactly the reasons ! I will not forgive them, I will not be silent so my dear friend ,if you get bullied by surrounding people you can ask or talk with the
people who have same problems but they can help you because we
are patients too, but you can find God you can just give yourself to God ,let
God decide for you ,you can ask God what you should do to make you feel
comfortable to make you feel relaxed to make you
feel alive! depression is psychological problem , don’t believe that’s demon
hurting us , there’s no demon! the demon is human beings Trust GOD! trust us ! people
who hurt you can be your friends, can be your parents ,can be your
kids ,can be your colleagues ,can be your classmates,
can be your teachers, anyone just don’t believe them . people who blame you ,saying that you’re selfish , they are selfish it’s never your problem ,it’s never your
problem, just believe that you will be okay you’ll be fine you will find Exit, find a
way out ~ tomorrow is another day we will be okay, believe me, because I’m
here

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