How to deal with Grief when someone you love dies | Kati Morton

How to deal with Grief when someone you love dies | Kati Morton


Hey everyone this weeks topic is something that I know many of us have dealt with in our life and that is grief and grieving and dealing with the loss of someone in our lives. So stay tuned.musicSo thanks for checking back, this week’s topic, like I said, is to do with grief and grieving and losing someone that we’ve loved in our life and I know that many of us have gone through this at different periods of time and if any of you have watched my “draw my life” video that I did a couple of weeks ago I let you all know that I lost my father about 4 years ago and grief is interesting, it’s really difficult and even talking about it, sometimes I’m like, pull it together, we can do this and its been 4 years so, I understand how hard it is and I know that grief is really an interesting process so that’s kind of what I want to talk about today. And the kind of ironic thing is that when I was considering graduate school and I had like a little, I took a year off when I took some tests to get into graduate school, if any of you know the process, and I was applying I went down to, um a hospice centre in Sandiago with Dr Bower one of my favourite teachers, so thanks Dr Bower and we went down there to get credentialed to be grief counsellors and when you finish you kind of get just a little certificate and I think it’s just called credentialing but I’m not sure. I think technically I can put, you know, Kati Morton MFTI, grief counsellor. I think that’s what I can say but anyway that doesn’t really matter. What matters is that um, when you go to a hospice. If any of you don’t know a hospice is kind of, they call it end of life care, and these are usually patients who have a terminal illness of some sort and the hospital or nurses or whoever is helping them with their home or in the hospital they realise that they can’t do anything else medically to help them and so they put them there to make them comfortable until they pass away. And I thought going there was going to be really sad and why would you wanna, ohh I just don’t wanna go there. It made me really uncomfortable but when I was there it was actually one of the most comforting places I’ve ever been because it’s filled with love and care and empathy and sympathy for everybody and the place just felt very welcoming and very warm and so um, if any of you have ever had to spend time there I hope that you’ve had a very similar experience. But the thing that I really want to talk is not about only what I do therapeutically if I have a client who’s been in my office um, ‘cos I have many clients who’ve lost parents or loved ones, um or are going through the process right now, some with terminal illness and what I’ve done personally and kind of intertwine the two so that you can kind of see what it’ll feel like if you go see a therapist for this which is one of my recommendations and then what you may feel, ‘cos i’m just going to give you my experience, and everyone has a different experience but, you know, sometimes it’s helpful to know that other people have been through it too, okay? So the first thing that I want to touch on like I said is if I come into someones office what do they do. And just so you know, the actual diagnosis of grief, grieving or bereavement is not a regular standard diagnosis in the DSM. It is actually what we call a vcode. Now a vcode is whatever the focus is, they technically call it a vcode the focus of clinical, let me look it up real quick, clinical attention. The focus of clinical attention and, um what that really means is when you come into my office and you’re father past away I’m going to focus on that, so I’m going to put bereavement down as my vcode, that’s my focus. Now the vcodes can vary from things as severe and intense as like a sexual abuse or physical abuse but usually they’re like life stressors, psychosocial stressors and things like that, um they kind of fall into that like academic problem, I mean I’m just looking here it’s like, um identity problem, religious or spiritual problems so it’s kind of those things that we don’t really know how to describe it other than saying this is happening to me,
okay? And so the vcode is for bereavement, that’s what they call it and I thought in my studies I remember it being only 6 months long. I can’t see that in here at this point but anyways what that means is if it lasts longer, I believe than 6 months but maybe its longer ‘cos I don’t see it but um, oh no it says the diagnosis okay, so this is what it is, the diagnosis of major depressive disorder is not generally given. This is what I wanted to talk about is like differentiating grief or bereavement from depression. The diagnosis of major depressive disorder is generally not given unless the symptoms are still present 2 months after the loss. Wow, they only give you 2 months. Well that’s pretty shitty ‘cos I personally think it can take a really long time, but this is just what the DSM says, okay? So that is what if you’re worried, what if I go see someone what are they going to diagnose me with and what’s going to happen. That’s what they’re going to diagnose you with and that’s what they’re going to work on with you and um, after the 2 months have past they’ll probably re-evaluate and try to talk to you about that okay. And when you come into someones office I always talk to my clients, and even personally, these are things I did the same and I’m going to read from my phone now ‘cos I Google everything, are the 5 stages of grief and I didn’t want to get them out of order. But it’s interesting and I think it’s something that we all need to be aware of because you’ll go through them whether you want to or not. Whether you’re taking time to process your grief or not you’ll go through them. Now the first one is denial and that’s the one where it’s like well I’m fine, everything’s fine it’s okay you know and a lot of times people will live in this denial phase, and me personally, I stayed in this denial phase while I was going through the logistics of it okay. So getting a call from my mum that my dad past away, um getting on the plane to go home you know I was going through the motions. Okay so today I have to be here and tomorrow I’m doing this and then we’re going to my Grandmas’ for this and you know it was just a to-do list and so I lived in denial ‘cos I was like well I’m fine you know, I have lots of stuff to do and yeah you know I’ll be okay
blahblahblah. Right. We’re not even really able to absorb what’s even happened and that’s usually around the actual time of the death. And then the next is anger. Which I actually filter in and out of a lot. Even now and I the anger comes from the fact that they’ve left us, or at least for me. I’m like you son of a bitch you know, I get mad ‘cos I’m like I’m getting married and my Dads not here to walk me down the aisle. That’s like argh, you know, I’m tearing up just thinking about it. So I get angry and anger is the second stage of grief and I think that personally and therapeutically the reason that we feel anger is because we’re sad and it covers us up, it’s a protective I’m not going to be sad I’m going to be angry. I’m going to lash out, right. So that’s the
next stage. The the third one is barganing and this is like the, you know if we pray if we’re religious at all, like God please I would do anything for one more week with that person or if they could just be here for this day that would be great and you know, you kind of, you’re barganing for more time even though we know there’s no more time we haven’t fully accepted that yet, okay. And that one, I honestly didn’t really spend much time in barganing ‘cos I’m too logical for my own good so I’m like well you know, I know he’s not here that is the truth this is the reality of my situation but for many of you you may spend a lot of time in that thinking about it and you know, ruminating about wanting them there and then the fourth stage is depression. And this is just, like I talked about in my depression video I put out last week I believe or the week before. Um and that was just feeling really sad, not wanting to get out of the house. I don’t wanna see people, the things I used to enjoy I don’t enjoy. You’re really just tired. I personally dealt with this for a while where I was just really tired and I remember my therapist, thanks Josie, she was really good, she um told me that you know Kati you run marathons, like in my life, not physically ‘cos I don’t run as many of you know ‘cos I hate running. Who likes to run blah. But I run marathons mentally like I’m doing a lot I’m a very busy person and even now with all of our world we’re creating I’m very busy and she’s like but now that your Dads past away you have a 75 pound backpack on your back and you’re still trying to run marathons and you can’t. And I’m really like, I don’t know why but that analogy, I love analogies, first of all in therapy and that analogy was like wow, she is right ‘cos I am tired you know. Physically I am exhausted because mentally I was so worn out from running those marathons. So, that kind of gives you an idea of what it can feel like and the last stage is acceptance and that’s when we process through our grief and we realise that they can no longer be with us and we come to appreciate the times we’ve had with them. And you will go in and out of these
stages. You’ll even go through stage 5 where it sounds like I’m done yay I’ve accepted. No, you might to back to anger ‘cos a situation will come up like i’m getting married and I’m like why aren’t you here arghh and so it’s normal. Don’t think that you have to go 1,2,3,4,5 and I’m done dadadadada and then I dance off into happy land ‘cos that’s not real life right. And so pay attention to where you are and recognising how you’re feeling and my first recommendation is please see a therapist. That was so helpful for me and I still, as many of you know, I’m still in therapy because I am a therapist and I do a lot of mental health work and so therefore I have to keep myself mentally healthy because shouldn’t I practice what I preach right. So, but especially in a time of grief I think it’s very important that you see a therapist and take time um, to heal and know that it’s okay. It’s okay to feel the way that you fell. You have every right to feel angry. You have every right to wanna bargain for more time. You have every right to feel the way you feel okay. And also taking care of yourself physically. I know I talk a lot about eating disorders and self harm and this can be a huge trigger for that because we feel so much mental anguish and pain that we want to express it in the only ways we know how, through our eating disorder and our self harm, and that’s why seeing your therapist, maybe increasing your sessions can be really helpful because the physicality of grief for me, I mean the exhaustion, the achy muscles, the, for me I have trouble eating like I have a lack of appetite or then I’d really want to eat and it can affect how our body runs day to day so be aware of that and take time for yourself and please see someone and get the help that you need because people pass away and we loose people and life has to go on, right. We can appreciate the times we’ve had and before I finish I wanna, there was a craft that I did when I became a grief councelor that I thought was the greatest idea ever. And we got these big wreathes and we got all these ribbons and this is kind of a girly craft. Not that there are, are there guy crafts, Sean? No. I don’t think there are guy crafts. But this is an extra girly craft. And we took a ribbon and each ribbon that you placed in your wreath, so it was like a wicker wreath, so you could hook the ribbon through it and you tied it in a knot and you say out loud to the person that you’re creating the wreath with something that you loved about the person who past. And you do this with someone that has lost the same person you have so that the idea is that you create the wreath with like your loved one and you put it up in your home that you share together. So like, Sean and I could create a wreath or something like that. Not that he’d want to but it was really helpful for me to do this and I think it’s a great physical way to talk about the reasons that we love them and the great memories that we have and then you put it up and it’s kind of a representation of those times you’ve had with that person and I think that’s really powerful and you can look at it and think, yeah they were I’m so glad they were in my life or something like that. So, that’s just another idea and leave any of your ideas below. I love your comments and your feedback and your sharing your experiences even if they’re completely opposite from mine. I have no problem with people being like Kati, that was a horrible video. I hated that content blahblah. That’s fine because we all learn, right. And I’m learning. You’re teaching me. So, lets keep working together, share your experiences, like this if you like this kind of personal slash therapeutic type of video um, ‘cos I’m happy to do more and share more with you about who i am and what I do. So, keep working with me as we put one foot in front of the other towards a healthy mind and a healthy body. Pwoah, I thought I was going to cry there. Pull it together. Oh I didn’t even talk about my book, final gifts. So good. Yes. Ohhh, that was a tiring one. Ohhhh.sniffSubtitles by the Amara.org community

One thought on “How to deal with Grief when someone you love dies | Kati Morton”

  1. Man, I am so hard in bargaining stage right now. I'm praying to a god that I don't even know is there. I'm not religious, but every night I kinda just sit there in bed saying over and over, "I would do anything to bring him back." I cant even believe its almost a year, I spent it all sleeping and crying. I still wake up, look at the obituary on my nightstand and realize, my best friends dead.

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